Mammas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Governors

Poor little Jesse. Was he channeling a 1962 Richard Nixon after losing the race for Governor of California? This kid needs a firm talking to:

Jesse, the reason that you can’t run for governor is not because you’re too small, it’s because you’re honest, smart and you know how to share. Remember the story about the three little pigs? The big bad wolf wanted to blow their houses down so they wouldn’t have a place to live and then he could eat them. You’re not like the big bad wolf are you? A governor is a politician and all politicians are nasty, small-minded, small-hearted, selfish weasels who would rather eat you than shake your hand.

Politicians and governors are the smallest people in the world. Their ideas are vicious and small. Instead of asking rich people to share some of their money to help out our country, politicians want to take away your teacher’s job and blow his house down just like the big bad wolf. Governors don’t know how to share.

Politicians tell you you’re too small because they know they’re even smaller. They are, to quote Matt Taibbi (who you should read when you get older), “like overgrown kids who got nipple-twisted in the halls in high school, worked as Applebee’s shift managers in college, and are now taking revenge on the world as grownups by defunding hospice care and student loans and Sesame Street.” That’s right, they want to take away Sesame Street. Politicians are small because they take orders from rich, big bad wolves. Politicians don’t have the courage to stand up to the wolves even if they want to,  and that makes them even smaller.

Jesse, the only reason to want to be governor is if you have good ideas and want truly to help people and not be a weasel and just work for the big bad wolves.

By the way, Jesse, don’t listen to your mother this time. Raising property taxes may not be the greatest method, but at least you’re talking about increasing revenue rather than cutting spending. That’s called sharing. That’s big, not small.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie responded to Jesse’s video on Twitter: “Don’t worry Jesse, people gave plenty of reasons why I couldn’t be Governor, though being too small wasn’t one of them.” That about sums it up.

So, here’s a song to sing to yourselves and your kids the next time your three-year-old pitches a fit because he or she can’t be governor of New Jersey. With sincere apologies to Waylon Jennings‘ loved ones and to Willie Nelson, I made a few changes to the country classic, “Mommas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys.” Sing along with Waylon and Willie.

Mommas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Governors

Governors ain’t easy to love and they’re harder to hold.
They’d rather give you a speech than diamonds or gold.
Bribes for bank bailouts and old jaded theories,
And each night begins a new day.
If you don’t understand him, an’ he don’t die young,
He’ll prob’ly just run away.

Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be governors.
Don’t let ’em kiss babies or grovel for bucks.
Let ’em be teachers and workers and such.
Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be governors.
‘Cuz they’ll never stay home and they’re always alone.
Even with someone they love.

Governors like smokey old back rooms and terrorist warnings,
Little warm payoffs  and interns and girls of the night.
Them that don’t know him won’t like him and them that do,
Sometimes won’t know how to buy him.
Always wrong, he’s just different but his pride will make him,
Say things to make you think he’s right.

Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be governors.
Don’t let ’em kiss babies or grovel for bucks.
Let ’em be teachers and workers and such.
Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be governors.
‘Cuz they’ll never stay home and they’re always alone.
Even with someone they love.

Hopefully this song makes it out to Wisconsin and strikers can serenade Mr. Walker at his bedroom window all night long.

If someone wants to make a music video, I’d be honored to post it here.

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