Dick Cheney Gets New Heart, Immediately Admits, “We Lied About Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq.”

Evidently Dick Cheney’s recent heart transplant has come with some fringe benefits. While the debate rages about the propriety of a heart transplant for a man of his age, little has been said about its amazing side effects.

Remarkably, when Mr. Cheney woke up after the surgery, he proclaimed, “I feel better than I have felt in my my entire life.” Then  he wiped a tear from his eye and proclaimed, “I gotta come clean, we knew that there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, but we lied anyway and I’m real sorry about that.”

Various YouTube videos purporting to depict Mr. Cheney after his surgery were evidently edited by Google at the request of unnamed “government agencies”.” When asked about Mr. Cheney’s change of heart, Obama administration sources simply said, “We wish him well.”

Mr. Cheney’s physicians, with his permission, have also released a photograph of his heart after it was removed from his body. “When he saw the thing that had been that was driving his life force all those years, he was mortified. He wanted you all to know that he is sorry for things he has done in the past, and he wants to make things right.” said one of Cheney’s physicians who refused to be identified.

Cheney's Old Heart

Indeed the photographs of Mr. Cheney’s heart shows a hard, rock-like organ reminiscent of fossilized dinosaur excrement called Coprolite.

Cheney also said, “The Patriot Act was bullshit.” and admitted the he intentionally shot his friend, Harry Whittington in the face, but would not elaborate.

Mr. Cheney promised to make a full apology to the American people and elaborate upon some of his Bush administration crimes in the next few days.

I can’t wait.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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