When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with Rich Assholes, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of the human community entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all human beings are created equal, that they are endowed with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among human beings, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness.
Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that human beings are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.
But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce humankind under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security.
Such has been the patient sufferance of the vast majority of the people of the United States; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government.
The history of rich assholes and their corporations is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these states. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.
Rich assholes and their corporations have refused their assent to laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
They have usurped our election process and bribed our elected legislators to make them their own.
They have forbidden their governors and legislators to pass laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till their assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, they have utterly neglected to attend to them.
They have refused to pass other laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of equal representation in the legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
They have shut down representative houses repeatedly, for opposing with firmness their invasions on the rights of the people.
They have refused, after such shut downs, to fund or support laws necessary to the common good; the state remaining in the meantime exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
They have obstructed the administration of justice, by corrupting laws for establishing judiciary powers.
They have made judges dependent on their will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries and the payment of their wives’ salaries.
They have erected a multitude of new offices and enacted unjust laws, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people, and eat out our substance.
They have affected to render the military independent of and superior to civil power.
They have affected to render the office of the President of the United States independent of and superior to civil power.
They have affected to render their corporations independent of and superior to civil power.
Rich assholes and their corporations have combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving their assent to their acts of pretended legislation:
For allowing United States corporations to be headquartered overseas to avoid paying their taxes:
For protecting corporations, by mock trial, from any criminal or civil liability whatsoever, including liability for wrongful deaths they have caused to inhabitants of these states:
For assuming their liability and bailing them out of their iniquitous financial schemes:
For dismantling our system of public education:
For plundering our treasury to finance foreign wars that benefit their corporations:
For imposing taxes on us without our consent:
For enacting laws exempting them and their corporations from paying taxes:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of trial by jury:
For imprisoning our people convicted of inconsequential, non-violent crimes:
For depriving us of our right to universal health care:
For depriving us of our rights to do with our bodies as we see fit:
For spying on our everyday activities:
For transporting some of us beyond seas to be tried for pretended offenses:
For taking away our charters, abolishing our most valuable laws, and altering fundamentally the form of our government:
For corrupting our own legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
Rich assholes and their corporations have plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, polluted our air and water, poisoned our food, and destroyed the lives of our people.
They are at this time amassing large armies of mercenaries trained in their foreign wars to continue the works of death, desolation and tyranny here, already begun all over the world with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy of a civilized nation.
In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms: our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. Self-anointed princes, whose characters are thus marked by every act which may define tyrants, are unfit to be the rulers of a free people.
Nor have we been wanting in attention to our Rich Asshole brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity and found none.
We have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our separation, and hold them as enemies in war.
We, therefore, solemnly publish and declare, that we are absolved from all allegiance , and that all political connection between us and rich assholes, their corporations and their politicians who pretend to represent us , is and ought to be totally dissolved.
As a free and independent people, we have full power to levy taxes, to reclaim our natural resources, to enact laws for the common good as opposed to those for corporate good, to punish corporations for their criminal acts, to impeach, expel and dishonor our judiciary and our so-called representatives for their allegiance to corporate masters, and to do all other acts and things which independent people may of right do.
For the support of this declaration, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.